I cockslap morals
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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