WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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