Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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