Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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