I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So. Much. Porn.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
