Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
