Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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