I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
