I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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