The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
