I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
