Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He has the fingertips of a God
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