i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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