i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
