I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
