the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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