What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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