A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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