so that wasnt chicken after all
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
