Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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