The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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