upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
