I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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