If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
