she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
