I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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