the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
