party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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