as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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