Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
