mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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