His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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