So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
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Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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