I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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