MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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