Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
