No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
