My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
