i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
