Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
