that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
