Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
