i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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