Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
