I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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