I haven't been this sober since birth.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
