I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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