On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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