i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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