Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
