I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.