I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
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Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,