i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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