you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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