That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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