you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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