oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
