We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
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Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
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Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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