yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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