none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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