I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
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