it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
