6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
